Is it real? This is a question all of us zebras struggle with daily. We’re constantly doubting ourselves, wondering if our disabilities are real or not. But why is it that we’re so eager to doubt ourselves?
One Word Can Mean Two Very Different Things.
Let’s take “tired” as our example. For instance, “I’m tired, I want to go to bed.” For the average person, they’ll feel relatively well-rested most of the time, provided they’re sleeping well, taking good care of their body, and not pushing themselves too hard. Or so I’ve heard. “Tired” is a temporary condition.
But then let’s look at us zebras. I could get 8-10 hours of perfect sleep a month in a row, eat perfectly, exercise as much as my defective little meatsuit will allow, and take it easy as much as I want, and I’m still going to be tired. Because here’s the things- when you’re disabled, “tired” isn’t a temporary condition. It’s a permanent state of being. It’s even a need for sleep, often. It’s just an all-encompassing exhaustion that permeates every fiber of our being, like that feeling of cold you get standing outside in a bitter winter for too long. The cold has seeped into your bones and even if you were to go back inside, you’d still be cold, because cold is the new reality for your body.
We’ll hear someone talk about how they hurt their back getting out of bed that once and think “Oh yes, I too cannot lie down in or get out of a bed without hurting my back.” But therein lies the difference again. For someone who’s able-bodied, these are all isolated incidents or issues with a simple solution. For us, they’re a state of being. I haven’t slept in my bed in close to a year because of issues with my back. I can’t physically lie on a bed. When someone asks how I am and my default response is “tired,” it’s not because I didn’t sleep well that night (although, knowing me, chances are I didn’t sleep well, either), it’s because tired is just my state of being.
When We Hear Others Talk About What We Feel In Different Ways, It Affects How We Think
Which isn’t to say that y’all shouldn’t talk about what or how you’re feeling. Not at all. But people have this tendency to assume other people think the same way that they do, that they experience things the same way. Even if logically we know that that’s not the case, and we can rationally realize it’s not true, it’s still what our lizard brain defaults to. Lizard can see other lizard. Other lizard must think same, be same. If not same, other lizard is not friend.
So then when us zebras hear someone talking about how tired they are or how sore they are or *insert generic symptom of choice here* they are, we assume they’re experiencing things the same way that we are.
And if they’re experiencing the same stuff as us, but they’re not disabled and we are, clearly we must be faking- right?
Society’s Stigma Against Disability Makes It All Too Easy To Wonder Is It Real
When we spend years before a diagnosis hearing from all sorts of medical professionals that it’s all in our head, or that we’re making everything up, or that something isn’t possible, that really sticks with us. And then when we get constantly bombarded by the same and more from the general population both pre- and post-diagnosis, that makes it that much harder.
Every time we hear “Oh, you’re back on your feet! Does that mean you’re all better?” or “But you don’t look disabled!” or “Oh yeah I get really tired too, I’ve been working 60 hour weeks lately!” or something else to that effect, it makes us question our reality. Because again, lizard must see other lizard as same, or other lizard not lizard friend.
And again, all y’all who are able-bodied are perfectly entitled to express how tired you are. How sore you are. How *insert symptom of choice here* you are. Your feelings are just as valid as ours are. They’re just not the same definition for the same word. And that’s okay. We just have to learn to automatically rationalize that going both ways. When you tell me how sore you are, you’re not talking about your neuropathy, and when I’m telling you how tired I am, I’m not telling you I need a nap.
So Is It Real?
Absolutely, our disabilities are. We’re wonderful at convincing ourselves that we’re just faking it. But really, when you look at how we feel, why would we want to?
It’s too easy to convince ourselves that they’re not, though, because lizard want one word to mean two things. Lizard must have one word for two things! But unfortunately, lizard is not capable of rational thought. Lizard is too busy lizard-ing around.
What Else?
Today’s entry is a little short and a little scattered. Not only have I been working this sad little frame of a meatsuit 40 hours per week, but apparently when I had COVID back in May that really messed me up more than we initially thought. More on that soon, though. Hopefully. Now that all the right doctors are lined up and answers are finally being had, I’ll hopefully be able to get back to an at least somewhat regular posting schedule.
If not, I give y’all permission to start a riot demanding something benign. Like ramen noodles. Who doesn’t like ramen noodles?
Anyways. Also coming soon within the next few months will be my first “real” publication for Kindle Vella. More on that soon, too.
Until next time, y’all.
-Nick
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